No matter how you identify sexually, there is no right or wrong way to feel. But compared to other labels, the asexual definition can still be a bit of a gray area for most. And like with many other sexual orientations, being asexual doesn’t come with strict boundaries—there is a spectrum among those in the community, and that’s something to celebrate.
Ahead, we’re going to define asexual feelings and help shine some light into this identity. But remember: Even if you feel like you don’t perfectly fit within the definition of a particular community, that doesn’t mean it can’t be part of your life. Due to the lack of information and conversation around the topic, many people who identify as asexual don’t come into the term until later in life. By sharing stories and being open to all of the beautiful ways there are to live life and express ourselves, we’re encouraging others to adopt the identities that best represent who they are.
Let’s start with the basics.
What does being asexual mean?
According to The Asexual Visibility & Education Network (AVEN), an asexual person does not experience sexual attraction. But remember when we mentioned that asexuality is a spectrum? This is where that comes into play—some asexual people may experience pings of attraction after becoming emotionally attached or intellectually attached to another person. This is more commonly referred to as demisexuality, which some consider part of the asexual family.
Others do not feel any sort of sexual attraction and never have sexual intercourse with other people, while some may choose to have sexual experiences for pleasure. It all comes down to personal preference.
Though it does vary based on the person, there are three general buckets people fall into on the asexuality spectrum:
This term refers to someone who is completely disinterested in the act and/or idea of sex
Oftentimes, asexual people in relationships with non-asexual partners will fall into this bucket. This describes someone who isn’t completely closed off to the idea of sex, but they don’t actively seek it out.
This sub-group of the asexuality spectrum will still have sex for pleasure, despite not feeling sexual attraction to another person.
And no matter where an asexual person falls, they are far from alone.
So, what does ace mean?
You may have heard the word “ace” come into play around conversation on asexuality. This is simply another, more casual, name given to asexual people.
And graysexual?
Nailing down a graysexual definition can be tough. Also referred to as gray-a or gray-ace (and also spelled as “greysexual” at times), this title refers to someone who falls into a category between asexual and sexual. As you may have noticed above, there are levels of asexuality. To best encapsulate the entire spectrum, many people use graysexual to begin a conversation about their intimate relationships and preferences.
According to AVEN, graysexual can describe those who have had sexual experiences in the past or people who “feel vague and infrequent sexual attraction, but not enough to act on.” There are also layers to graysexuality, as someone may experience it only toward a certain gender—know as gray-homosexual or gray-heterosexual.
Signs you may be asexual
It’s not as simple as determining who you are attracted to. l. In fact, consider it a different conversation altogether. Here are a couple questions to ask yourself to get a bit closer to understanding your preferences:
And we don’t mean, is there anyone you’re sexually attracted to at the moment. Think long and hard about your history of sexual attraction—has it centered on physical attraction? Do you ever get horny when thinking about someone else? (Here are some signs that you’re horny.)
If so, that could be a big sign that you fit somewhere on the asexuality spectrum. And don’t let it discourage you. Sexuality is a big and beautiful thing and there’s room for everyone, you just need to find your community.
What does allosexual mean?
The allosexual definition is a bit easier to put in a sentence: this term refers to someone who is not asexual. So, if a person does not identify as asexual and experiences sexual attraction, they are often referred to as allosexual.
As you can see, there’s a lot more to asexuality than simply not having sex. Those who identify as asexual have loving relationships, full of pleasure on their own terms.
